Marriage is Night Market

SINGLE AND SENSIBLE
With charles ikoabasi

Night Market!
•       How to make the right choice in marriage 
In Africa, particularly in Nigeria, night always falls with all its
force of dread and darkness. Public places like markets become shadowy
and creepy …electricity being a scarce commodity and public lighting a
novelty.
I have some experience in shopping at an African night market. A few
years ago, in my naivety, I stopped by Agboju market close to the
Communion Church in Lagos, at about 7:30pm to price meat. I remembered
 how I enjoyed some exotic beef  parts as a child so I saw this piece
of cow tongue and it was very cheap, so I bought and joyfully headed
home to boast to my wife about my shopping skills. Well I guess she
didn’t want to dampen my spirit so she kept her opinion to herself.
But I later discovered myself, that I had bought rotten meat at “a
bargain”.
Without the benefit of illumination, I could not have examined what I
bought until I got home.  You see the shape of what you are buying in
the dark but you can neither confirm its texture, nor confirm its
quality.
I recalled this experience as I discussed marital issues with Tope, a
beloved sister in the Lord and a professional colleague, who has been
married for 15 years but was now having a rethink. She summed it up
tidily at the end of our discussion by saying; “Oja Okunkun ni o,”  in
Yoruba, meaning that marriage is   a transaction concluded in darkness
or simply put - it is a night market. At first I was shocked at her
conclusion, but reviewing the details of our discussion, I was forced
to agree with her.
“the heart is deceitful
above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?”
I do not mean to scare you; but the truth is that you never really
know what you have bargained for until your eyes open in the marriage
home, after the wedding and after the passage of time. I pray for you;
I pray against disappointment in marriage in Jesus name.
In making a choice in marriage, you examine the person you are seeing
but you cannot accurately
examine his future nor can you clearly see his inward parts. Scripture
say s that the heart is deceitful
above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? Jer 17:9

During dating and courtship, the partners involved manage their
manners and behavior to suit the desired objective. In some cases,
there is outright deception and hiding of essential information.
Besides this, people change. I recently read “Bitter Sweet”, the
memoirs of Mrs. Oluremi Obasanjo on her marriage to Olusegun Obasanjo
and the striking thing in the book, if the stories are true, is the
180 degrees transformation of the husband from a gentle, faithful,
loving and dotting spouse to an exact opposite in the space of a few
years.  People change in behavior as a result of changes in
circumstances or some new experience; or more often, people simply
manifest their true nature over time.
Above all, you do not see a man or woman’s future. Not even the devil
knows the fullness of a man’s destiny . A pretty young lady told me
how a young well-connected man proposed to her. Everything looked okay
about the guy… it was dream come true, but somehow she was not
comfortable about him so she “stupidly” turned him down. Well the guy
hooked another babe to the altar and… he died after about a year. No
human and nothing predicted the turn of things to the young widow.
All these make marriage a venture you do not enter into unadvisedly or
lightly. Having known this what should you do?
Do not rush things: Take your time to study the person you wish to
marry as much as is possible. Give time for the person’s life and
character to unfold before you agree. Wait until you are comfortable
with the signs you see.
Note the signs: do not gloss over any action. While you may not know
fully the inner constitution of a person, everybody would once in a
while betray his/her real personality at unguarded moments. Note these
occasional manifestations. If you had caught him/her in a lie once, it
could be a sign of a bigger deception and you may jolly well be going
out with a fraud.
Note how he treats other people in his life, his friends, his parents,
siblings, church members etc. He/she would be eager to please you but
will let his guard down with others. A lady that does not respect her
seniors will not respect you at home. Do not be deceived by your
bloke’s ice cream, cards and gifts to you because a man that starves
his parents would surely starve his wife too. Also a man hard and
harsh to every other person except you would unleash his belligerence
on you at the right time.
Sometimes am baffled by the gullibility of some of our female folk.
They are so blinded by “love” that they gloss over everything with “he
will change” or even worse “he will repent”.
 A guy that flies off the handle at the slightest provocation while
not married to you is a passport to injuries and pain in marriage.
Your date that goes to church only when you insist and thinks that you
are too spiritual will most likely stop you  from church altogether
after taking you to the alter or he will abandon you and your kids to
your church ways and look for a more worldly wise lover  after
marriage. Learn from Solomon.
A christian brother that does not believe in sexual purity before
marriage probably will not make much of adultery in marriage. These
days I hear that some “brothers”  ( and some “sisters” too) insists on
sex for marriage . Meaning if I can’t sleep with you I can’t marry
you. Please marry a person that likes you for who you are and not a
person that blackmails you for his pleasure. Do not sell yourself
cheap out of desperation. I am also amazed at the level of carnality
and insincerity in the church today. My conclusion is that Christendom
is a mixed multitude of born again people, unserious born again
people, pretenders and opportunists. Please watch out for predators in
sheeps’ clothings. By their fruit (signs) you will know them.
Charles.ikoabasi@yahoo.co.uk
Many marriages fail because the parties involved ignored the road
signs. The road sign will not say danger ahead. It will say things
like dangerous bend, level crossing (where trains and cars meet on
same level), junction ahead or simply slow down . A driver that
ignores road signs does so at his own peril.

Consult men
I strongly suggest you discuss your potential partner with your pastor
before taking a decision to marry or not to marry. Let your pastor
asses the person and give you a feedback. Consult persons that know
the potential partner and who could give you candid, objective
opinions. Do not lean on people who will always tell you what you want
to hear. If you are afraid to expose your relationship to scrutiny of
good people, it is likely a sign that there is something evil lurking
somewhere in the relationship.
Consult God
This is my destination; this is the conclusion of it all. Only God
knows a man’s (and woman’s) heart and
only God knows what a person will become, therefore it makes sense to
seek God’s direction in making a
choice for marriage. The Bible says “Trust in the LORD with all thine
heart; and lean not unto
thine own understanding.” Prov.3:5

Some christians pray for God’s direction when they have already
concluded what they would do.
That is another recipe for disaster.  Your own analyses may fail so
get on your knees with all
sincerity and commit yourself to do God’s will.

After you have prayed , do not worry about how he will lead you, all
he wants is your willingness. He knows how to reach you. He will open
your outer and inner eyes to see what is wrong or what is right in the
person. He would give you an inner witness to the right way. He would
pull you back if He notices you are on the wrong track. Simply trust
Him. And lest I forget…you yourself need to have the right values and
you will attract persons of similar values. Birds of same feather
would always cross each other’s path.