Marriage in real life

MARRIAGE: TRAGEDY, COMEDY OR JUST FANTASY



BEYOND THE HONEY THE A TO L OF LOVE.
Revised edition
Copyright © 2010
CHARLES IKOABASI
All rights reserved. No portion of this
publication may be reproduced without the
express written consent of the publisher

 ikoabasil@yahoo.co.uk

First Edition 2005
Reprint 2006, 2018

Cover concept by
Kehinde Orimalade


Published by:
PLATINOM BOOKS


Designed and Printed in Nigeria by:
GABAJ GRAPHICS
Tel: 08033299066
E-mail: gabajgraphiks2010@yahoo.com


“BEYOND THE HONEY” provides preparation for singles who are about to wed and also  serves as a companion for every marriage.


ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

1. David and Esther Benenoch
My Pastors
2. Olufunso Charles
My dear wife
3. Femi Osikoya
My childhood friend & co-labourer
4. Kola Ogunshote
My encourager
5. Gabriel O. Adeniji
My interpreter
6. Unwana, Melody & Victory
My jewels

All the glory goes to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, and our Father.




Prologue
I was in traffic when I noticed this couple arguing in a car. It was apparent that they were married. While I did not know the details of what was happening in that car with that couple, the incident set me thinking. I began to wonder how come a boyfriend and his girlfriend would have fun together, enjoy each other’s company and probably laugh all the way to their destination. If they were walking, they may even hold hands, but married people would maintain stony faces or quarrel all the way. Often times, the husband would go in front while the woman would trail behind and not many would suspect they were even related.

I continued to ponder how persons who were once madly in love could sharply turn around to disdain each other.

Before their wedding, they might have been “honey…honey” with each other. After the wedding, the “honey” ...where did it go?  My few years of marriage and experience as a counselor reveal that like life itself, marriage comes with peculiar challenges. This book is therefore inspired by the need to keep your marriage despite the challenges.

Introduction

The driving force behind this short contribution into your life is that your marriage should be enjoyed; when the need arises, it should be endured, and then navigated back to the point of enjoyment again.

It provides preparation for singles who are about to marry. It serves as a companion for every marriage.

This book does not attempt to answer every question about marriage; rather it is a quick- read which picks on the common stress points  in marriage and offers solutions.

CHAPTER  A

ARGUMENTS

Even warfare has rules.

Probably the first recurrent challenge for couples is the occurrence of arguments. It cannot totally be eradicated in a balanced marriage between two respectable, intelligent and emotionally healthy individuals.

A marriage in which there is no argument may actually not be healthy. The couple involved may be sitting on a volcano waiting to blow up.

In spite of the fact that a man may not enjoy being challenged, the average man still wants to have some form of mental stimulation from the wife. No man wants to marry a zombie. In the same vein, no woman wants to marry a jellyfish. A woman wants to marry a man, a real man. A woman wants to take instructions despite her show of obstinacy.

The presence of debate in whatever form does not mean the absence of love or the breakdown of order in the relationship.
• Yes it is true that some marriages do have unnecessary public disputes
• Yes it is true that arguments can develop into shouting matches
• Yes it is true that arguments have in instances led to scuffles
• Yes it is true that one bout of argument has, in more than one case, led to a break down in relationship...
 
Yet, these ought not to be so.

"No man wants to marry a zombie.
In the same vein, no woman wants
to marry a jellyfish"

Arguments can be a veritable source of bonding and a facility for arriving at the best solutions to problems, if you keep to the rules.

There are rules that guide international warfare. For instance, there are rules for treating prisoners of war, and there are rules for treatment of the Red Cross when they enter into a war zone. Some world leaders have been tried for genocide, ethnic cleansing and other war crimes.

In the same vein, couples should not throw propriety and mutual respect  to the winds in the midst of an intense argument.

• Do not allow your arguments to break your marriage.                   
• Do not allow your arguments to drive you and your spouse apart.
• Do not allow your arguments to lead to malice or bitterness.       


“couples should not throw …mutual respect
to the winds in the midst of an intense argument.”


The following rules of the thumb may help:

• Remember you are talking with your spouse and not with a lawyer in court; therefore it is not imperative that you win the argument. It is more important that you sustain the peace in the relationship than for you to win the debate and lose the friendship of your wounded partner.

• Know when the handshake is reaching the elbow, according to an African proverb. When an argument is becoming a shouting match, it is time to keep quiet and shelve the discussion for another day and for when the mood is better. When you notice you are getting agitated, or your spouse/partner is getting worked-up and upset, it is time to change the subject.

• If your partner is particularly touchy about the subject of argument, you probably should avoid it. But if it must be discussed, choose an approach that acknowledges his or her concerns and sensibilities.

• Keep to the issues and avoid personalized attacks.
• Be diplomatic and try to avoid the second person pronoun "you". It would be better you say "we are being unwise in the way we spend money " than to say, "you are being foolish in the way you spend money ". or " I think we should rent a separate place for mama " and not “You must not bring your mother to this house"

• It is foolhardy to use your marriage as a test ground for your New Year resolution on frankness.

• Make efforts not to argue in public.

On a general note the key word is respect for each other.  If you found the man / woman good enough to marry, then he/she should be worthy of your respect.

Note that an argument can lead to violence or some form of abuse and resentment which could end up in divorce. It costs nothing to concede to your spouse and you have no trophies for winning an argument.


































CHAPTER B

BACKDROPS

In theatre, there is something called the backdrop. The backdrop could be a painting or photograph of a physical environment. It is something that explains the setting or environment in which the action takes place. The backdrop sets the scene. You cannot understand the stage drama without the backdrop or background.

Everything that is done on stage is in relation to the backdrop. Though the backdrop is constant and is passive, yet it speaks volumes.

Every life has a backdrop, a background that explains the character, temperament, actions and sometimes the aspirations of the person. If you understand the individual’s background, you would almost predict him.

The following were fresh events at the time of going to press:

Nancy's (not her real name) parents are separated and both were alive by the time this book was being written. Nancy’s grandmother also had a broken marriage, and now Nancy; in her late 20s, has packed her things out of her six year-old-old marriage without provocation.  Through several hours of counseling, the only intelligible reason we got from her was "I don't love him. Sounded uncanny.

Funke's (not real name) mom got pregnant out of wedlock, and Funke too got  pregnant while courting and rushed through a wedding ceremony to cover up … just like her mother.

Not many persons understand the power of backgrounds on the outcome of marital relationships. My Pastor used to joke that before you rejoice that you are marrying a

Every life has a backdrop...

slim young lady, take a look at her mother. Meaning that if the mom is/was fat, then your slim-fit fiance has a large size destiny.

Though a joke, yet it underscores a truth that our backgrounds exercise a force over our lives and specifically on our marriages. This is true biologically and spiritually


Everything you are is acquired…

Some families have a history of late child births, some have a trend of late marriages while others have a history of poverty. Some families have a history of infidelity in marriage; some have a pattern of divorces while others replicate infant deaths.

If you lived with your parents and your dad was a wife batterer, the possibilities are strong that you would be a violent husband.

If you lived with a mother that had no respect for her husband, you may not find it very easy to submit to any man.

This is neither mysticism nor is it fatalism. It is as real as inheriting the sickle cell gene from your parents or picking your mother's big nose and your father's short legs.

Everything you are is acquired or learnt from your immediate environment, so there is no way the biological environment of your birth, the social psychological environment of your upbringing and the spiritual environment of your childhood would not have a bearing on what you finally turns out to be.

The idea is for each spouse to acknowledge his/her spiritual and biological antecedents and to take extra steps to forestall falling where his/her predecessors fell.

The idea behind this chapter is not for spouses to sit in judgment over their partners. Rather the wise thing to do

Marriage is a construction site

 is for each person to look back at where he/she is coming from, in order to foretell the challenges he/she may likely encounter in future. Everyone is coming from somewhere, so do not act “holier than thou” and do not try to look for a wife from a perfect background…such does not exist.

Rather work hand in hand with your partner with fasting, prayers and counseling to obliterate the influence of your foundations on your marriage.

Seek the counsel of your pastor. Going to a native doctor or to a soothsayer to break a jinx would only compound your problems, particularly watch out for native doctors  in the garb of prophets.

In summary, admit your inherited weaknesses, work to deconstruct them, help your spouse with his/her own weaknesses and together savour the pleasure of victory. Marriage is a construction site and not a finished five star hotel.




















CHAPTER C

COMMUNICATE

This is the oil of every relationship. The more couples talk, the more they understand each other. Intending couples should spend their courtship period talking and getting to know about each other, rather than knowing each other in bed.

A lot of the quarrellings and misunderstandings in marriage, could have been done before the marriage thereby leaving the marriage turf free of warfare.

Many marriages have problems because the courtship period was spent exploring each other's naked bodies. And so after the wedding, the partners discover that they are married to strangers.

Instead of exploring each other's bodies before marriage, it is better that intending couples explore each other's minds, pasts, hopes, aspirations, visions, temperaments and backgrounds.

Hello singles!

There is a life time of sex waiting for you in marriage: sweet, safe sex that is  authorised by God, protected by law and seasoned by the bond of love. So be patient and put first things first so that you do not marry a snake in human skin.

"Instead of exploring each other's
bodies before marriage, it is
better that intending couples
explore each other's minds"

I remember my friend’s colleague in postgraduate school. He is married and is enrolled in a PG school in another city. In PG school he began to date a single lady who is unaware, as I write this, that he is married with children. The naive lady is hoping the man would marry her so she is picking the bills of this guy in school! Poor girl, who knows for how long she has been waiting for an eligible bachelor? But there she was warming the bed of a married casanova and paying for it too.

"It is difficult to lie accurately all the time"

I wonder what both “lovers” talk about on their dates. Intending couples should ask questions and keep on asking. Ask the same question in diverse ways. If your spouse or fiancée is lying to you, over time you would likely discover if you keep on asking. I have discovered that it is difficult to lie “accurately” all the time.

One of the ways to get your spouse to open up is by opening up yourself. Talk about yourself and be quick to provide answers to your suitor. While setting the example, do not accept the worn out excuse of "I don't like talking”, “am not in the mood” or "I am a quiet person.' Ask questions and demand answers.

Do not be gullible in your anxiety to keep your new catch. Marriage is a transaction, a contract of equals and so if the person you want to marry does not have answers to important questions, then no deal.

Dear married

The same principles of openness should rule marriage itself. Couples should develop a deliberate habit of briefing each other. There should be a regular time and place for catching up on events. My wife and I work just about three kilometers (a little over one and a half miles) apart, but we live about 30 kilometres (about 18 miles) away – about four hours drive in heavy traffic daily. The journey to work together offers us a rare four hours of precious talk time daily.

This period has helped to keep our relationship well oiled and open, leaving very little to catch up on. We quarrel in the car, we laugh in the car, we joke in the car, we share pains, grieves and disappointments in the car and we make plans in the car.  I particularly always look forward to the drive to work everyday alone with my wife because it makes us friends.

At home the children and housekeeping are a distraction. The bedroom does not offer us much talk opportunity because we almost always hit the pillow exhausted because of our work and ministry schedules.

Couples should create their own talk times if their schedules do not drop such on their laps by default.  You may wish to make a monthly date with your wife, or you may choose to spend the last hours of the expiring day in bed together to talk if you have the energy or you may choose a weekly rendezvous to play catch up with your spouse.

For couples who are separated by distance because of their occupations, they may use the telephone creatively taking advantage of discounts offered by their chosen network. Whatever your challenges, there is always a way out, a unique solution that offers itself to your peculiar situation.

Like the law of inertia, your marriage will not work until effort is applied in the right direction.


It is advised that spouses do not keep information late before communicating such to their partners lest the partner gets to hear a different version outside and lest he/she forgets to tell. It is also important that couples choose the right times to pass information across.

Often my wife and I argue over what she told me and what she did not tell me. "I told you", "No you did not tell me ". I guess in some instances she actually told me things and I forgot, possibly because the time was not appropriate. I might have had my attention on other things when she told me. Or might be, she planned to tell me but left it too late until she forgot, then her mind passed it into the out tray.

Spouses should talk and spouses should listen. Listening is as important as talking. Learn to listen to your spouse. Women love to talk so men please listen. Women particularly have an emotional need to be heard and men should cultivate the skill of listening... without yawning.

But women too should learn to keep quiet and let their husbands pour it out.

Talk about everything in marriage especially as concerns the two of you and your children. Reduce the time you spend discussing other people. Gossip is gossip even between couples.

CHAPTER D

DEVELOP

Dissatisfactions may arise in marriage because the partners grow complacent. The man feels he has caught his game and so settles back on his oars and does not make efforts to grow, improve and upgrade.

The woman assumes that she has arrived; she digs in and makes no effort to continually please the man with her abilities and her looks.

But in marriage, there must be continuous self improvement. The parties must build on their strengths and strive to overcome their weaknesses.

It is important that you do not remain at the level your spouse met you at the start because you operate in a competitive environment where someone else is always contending for your spouses attention.

Every man will at one time or the other fantasize about being married to that other lady who appears more intelligent or better educated  and has all the things that his wife has not.
Just today an old pal posted the quote below on Facebook:
“Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that ”
Food for thought isn’t it?

While a man should be encouraged to be content with his own wife, that does not mean the wife should take him for granted. Women particularly should make efforts to reach up and remain socially and mentally compatible with their husbands. As the man is moving up the social ladder, the woman should endeavour to remain relevant in the new social dimension.

A man wants to have some mental challenge and partnership, and if he does not get it in his wife,

While a man should be encouraged
to be content with his own wife,
that does not mean the wife should
take him for granted

he seeks for it in his male friends.  Others would find a sparring partner in the other smarter lady in the office or in the postgraduate school or in an old school mate. Many a-brother has confided in me expressing   deep   regret   about   the intellectual level of their wives - good, godly men, each one of them.

In each case, both spouses began at the same academic level, but while the man made efforts at self-improvement, the woman maintained the status quo, satisfied with just having babies.

One brother particularly complained bitterly to me that his wife could neither speak good English nor converse intelligently at home and in public and he was no longer happy with her.

When a partner finds himself in such a circumstance, he may not contemplate divorce in some cases, but instead may do the next worse thing, stop talking with his/her spouse.

If you met your spouse as an illiterate,
is there any law that says you must die an illiterate?

Sex, food and the children then become the only meeting grounds.

Marriage ought to be friendship in which both partners can discuss and debate intelligently about almost every subject. Nobody wants to be embarrassed when introducing his or her spouse to close friends. As it applies to men so it applies to women.

Life is a journey and a marathon. You begin from a point and must continue moving. Stagnancy begets boredom and frustration. If you met your spouse as an illiterate, is there any law that says you must die an illiterate?

"Marriage is a mirror"

When you met your spouse you could not cook, why not humble yourself and learn how to cook? Even if you can cook, maybe your husband has become bored of those same old recipes of yours. Learn new ways doing the same things.

Nothing is wrong with a richer woman marrying a lower income man. However, the challenge and testimony of that marriage is that the man rises from his lower income to take his place as the bread winner of the home. He should not accept as his fate the conditions that prevailed at the point of the wedding.

The greatest school spouses can attend for self-improvement is the school of positive criticism from their partners.

Marriage is a mirror; you never get to know yourself fully until you behold yourself through the eyes of your partner. You never know how much you weigh (ladies know they can apply this literally) until you stand on the scales of your spouse. You may pretend and put on airs before all other persons including your parents, but not with your spouse.

No one knows you as he/she does, and no one qualifies to show you your failings more than he/she  that sleeps with you and wakes with you.













CHAPTER E

EXPECTATIONS

Singles

Singles should trim their expectations in marriage. Be modest about it and brace up for the unexpected. You never know what marriage holds until you move in together; the surprises may be mild, gradual revelations or they may be rude shocks.

I wish I could reel out the possible surprises that marriage may throw up, but I am constrained by the need not to threaten your faith. However, let me say that marriage is truly for better - for worse. Take whatever you see and make efforts to change the situation. But if you cannot, live with it in love until your God makes a way for you.

I guess you would not always succeed in changing your spouse and of course, you cannot change anybody. My belief is that

"Angels do not marry"

marriage is for the lifetime of the couple -"as long as we both shall live. " and so you better brace up to live with the weaknesses and failures of your partner. The truth is that angels do not marry; therefore I wonder who gave you the lie that you were married to a perfect being. Every woman has spots and every man has warts.

How do you know if the next person you marry, after you divorce this one, will not be a worse devil. Contentment in marriage is a choice, until you choose to be content or forbear with your partner, you would not really enjoy your marriage.

That other man or woman may have one or two qualities you think your partner does not have ...but he/she is not your own; it is true that the grass always appears greener across the road. But in reality it is better you live with and love your own. After all, you are not also perfect yourself.

Note of caution for men - a man who is not content with one wife, will not be content with two... do not be deceived.

Changes

While you may not be able to force positive changes in your marriage, I can guarantee certain changes ... the woman's body will change with time, age and with childbirth. I am still baffled at how these little skinny girls turn out heavily proportioned after marriage. Most men do not like it that way, but brothers, that is how nature made them.
Men too will change in their approach to romance and expression of love. Well girls ...he probably does not love you

"Contentment in marriage is a choice,
until you choose to be content with
your partner you would not really
enjoy your marriage"

less, just that priorities have changed. Once upon a time he used to send you cards for every occasion, but that was a critical period in his life. Then he just had to win your heart at all cost. But now that he has made you his own , I guess the next priority is to toil  for your comfort.

On a greneral note, expect surprises as you enter marriage, things may not work out the way you planned it, children may not come the way you planned, Money may not flow as you expected, your spouse may not meet your initial expectations.

Also expect changes as you grow in marriage. Some would be pleasant, some would be hard to bear. Whichever way make adjustments and go on living as the situation demands.








































CHAPTER F

FINANCES

Often, our "love" does not cover this very critical area. Some men will share everything with their spouses but not financial information and definitely not financial control.

Some women too would subscribe to the total submission of a wife to her husband; I mean they would submit every thought and everything to their husbands. Yes, I said every thing ...except their cheque books.

The handling of financial matters in the home depends on the peculiarities of the family. I do not believe any form of financial arrangement is sacrosanct. Rather certain principles should guide the couple in financial matters.

The first principle is love. Once there is love and commitment it would not be hard for the couple to see themselves as co-owners of everything.
My pay cheque is for me to administer on behalf of my wife and children. I would

"The woman should have some
freedom to manage some
part of her finances"

not spend most of it on myself in selfishness. Of course every reasonable man already subscribes to this.

There are women who would not let their men know how much they earn nor how much they own: and some would not share their fortunes with their husbands, but I think these are the exception.

The average woman would do anything for the man that she loves if she perceives that the man also truly loves her. She would more readily help in taking financial burdens off the man and share financial information with the man if she is sure that the man would not take everything from her and leave her stranded in her needs.

While the lady should necessarily follow her husband’s leadership in the allocation of family wealth, she should nevertheless be given some degree of financial freedom.

When you enslave a woman financially, she would do things that she would ordinarily not do.

The woman should have some freedom to manage some part of her finances. That way she may meet her own intimate needs, put some spice around the home, on the dining table and also throw in a surprise gift for you from time to time.

We all probably believe that the man should be the provider for the home, but we also acknowledge, that life is a mystery and fortunes cannot be predicted. We cannot deny that at some point, the breadwinner’s fortunes may fail and the woman becomes the higher earner. In such a case, the wife should willingly take up the fiscal challenges of the home. But this should not be a permanent arrangement.

Although once in a while, we come across a foolish man that enjoys living off the sweat of the woman yet the average man like me does not enjoy that. If we find ourselves in such circumstance we would strive with our last breath to regain our financial manhood.

I met my wife when she was still a student and we got married while she was still a student.
That meant that I picked her bills in school. After she left school, my finances had a down time.
Then my darling wife took over the provision of food for the home without making a fuss out of it.

She would put money in my hands to give to her own mother and my mother in-law would thank me and bless me profusely. Meanwhile, it was her daughter's sweat. For the period in which the drought lasted, she did not insult me, neither did she mock me and she did not attempt to take over the leadership of the home.

I still took the decisions while she financed them. She bought the cars I drove and rented the houses we lived in. That was a while back in time. Today, things have reverted and I would rather be anathema than forget the years she was there for me.

• I counsel women to follow her example.
• I counsel every woman to work or do business to assist her husband.
• I counsel men to work smart and take their places as men indeed in the home and to give financial emancipation to their wives.
• I counsel married people and engaged couples to share their financial information. Openness is the sign of a healthy partnership and friendship.

























CHAPTER G

GOD

"A fool says in his own heart there is no God"

I have deliberately written this book striving to give pragmatic solutions to real problems without quoting any scripture and without necessarily giving the colour of religion. I would not wish to alienate any reader, whether Moslem, Christian or Atheist. This is because marriage transcends religious barriers, marital problems are universal and religious allegiance does not guarantee marital success.

There are men of God in whatever religion who have failed in their marriages. I would consider this a personal failure on the part of those men and women, and not a failure of God or of the Holy Scriptures. Over the ages, we have had people who pay lip service to godliness and whose devotion to the Holy Book is diluted by their hard-heartedness and human frailties.

But I dare say that any man that takes God serious, that dares to live by the dictates of  the Scriptures despite societal and peer pressures, such a man would surely have a more peaceful and stable home.

Many Christians pay lip service to the Bible. They are quick to quote every scripture that carries a promise, but may not remember the responsibilities laid on every one who desires that promise. The principles of forgiveness, honesty, fidelity, prayer, contentment, love (not feelings) mutual respect, sacrifice, patience, etc. are all fundamental principles of the faith and godliness. However, we would prefer to hold night vigils and days of fasting, to pray for miracles and for God to change our spouses, while we continue to violate the very principle that would safeguard and usher us into the promises of God.

Many a-man would spend precious time confessing God's financial bounty and the

"If you have spent your spinsterhood
drinking the cup of sin do not expect
God to reward you with a man
who has kept himself clean"

promise of God to give children to the barren, yet he would not take his hands off other women. He offends the same God whose favour he seeks. Many a-woman would pray to God to "touch" her husband's heart yet she spurns the command of God for her to submit to her husband and honour him.

Many of us would "believe God" for our children to fear God and live decent lives, desiring that our girls get good husbands and marry honourably, yet we ourselves constantly defile other  people's daughters in fornication.

• Do our boys not learn cultism and destructive  habits from us?
• How many of us have taught our children to fear God by our own examples?
• Do your children see you pray?
• Do they see you read the holy book?
• Do they see EVIDENCE of your commitment to God?

But the fear of God and a sincere
commitment to live by the holy book
would keep a man from the dangerous
pit of the strange woman.

• Is your honesty transparent?

If you leave God out of your life and out of your marriage, you not only lay a foundation for ultimate sorrow, but you also lay a cracked foundation for your children. Note however that hen a marriage breaks, several succeeding generations feel the tremors and suffer from the aftershocks.

For Singles
 Only the fear of God can keep a man from extra-marital sex. I counsel young women to look for God-fearing men to marry. It takes the fear of God to stick to one woman. But if you have spent your spinsterhood drinking the cup of sin, do not expect God to reward you with a man who has kept himself clean.

Though I love my wife dearly, what keeps me from toying with extra marital affairs is not the love for my wife, rather it is my consciousness that God is watching me and I would not want to offend my God.

"Religious allegiance does not guarantee marital success"

Many men who deeply love their wives still play away matches. To a man, sex is like drinking water because you are thirsty and you must not be in love with the bottle from which the water came. But the fear of God and a sincere commitment to live by the holy book would keep a man from the dangerous stolen waters.

Stolen waters are sweet,
and the bread of secrecy is pleasant.
But he knoweth not that the dead are there;
that her guests are in the depths of Sheol.
The Holy Bible Prov 9:17

As a counselor, I often meet young men who claim to be born again - some of them even sing in choirs, some even preach in their churches- yet their favorite pastime is sex in and outside church.

 If you are such a person, you are digging your grave. It is better you are an atheist, and then you would have no reason NOT to live anyhow you will. Why lay claims to religion yet mock the same religion with an irreligious lifestyle? Because of you, observers make jest of your faith. I counsel repentance to forestall the anger of that God you profess to serve.




For the married
I counsel you to be true to what you believe, whether single or married. Do not be a hypocrite. Let the Holy Book be the final arbiter in your marital disputes, and the ideological guide in every decision. Once both of you can locate what the holy book says, let the matter rest on that prescription.

My Testimony
What has made my marriage stable and generally peaceful is the fact that my wife and I have tremble at God’s word. We do not argue with Biblical principles. Neither of us is perfect, but our hearts are sold-out to God. We strive to obey the Bible in every matter. The Bible is our marriage counselor, the Bible is our light, the Bible is our mutual strength; how about you?


I counsel you to live by what you believe (but remember it is possible to believe the wrong thing). If you believe the wrong thing, your life would be wrong. Live by the Book and you will enjoy the benefits of the Book.

I met Jesus at age 19, I got married ten years after, and between the ages of l 9 and when I married, I touched no woman sexually. I married at 29 and since then I have not slept with any other woman but my wife. The secret: not my strength but Jesus. You can have the same moral success if you give your life to Jesus today and live by your commitment.





























CHAPTER H

HONESTY


The bedrock of every successful marital relationship is sincerity and openness. There should be nothing hidden between married couples.

For this principle to work, it should/, however, begin from when the two persons pledge to marry each other. While you are still courting, share all personal information.

• Let your partner know if you have been married before
• Let your partner know if you have had a baby before
• Share information on past relationships including names
• Share parental and all family background information
• Share health and medical histories
• Let your partner know if you have had an abortion, sex change or transplant of any sort

• Share spiritual information – be honest and upfront about your preferences. If you are a Muslim, Christian, Roman Catholic, Pentecostal, Hindu, Rosicrucian, whatever…do not hide the fact from him/her. It is better your intended spouse separates from you than for you to have a broken marriage on account of faith.
• If you go to church , yet you prefer to be Muslim and you hope to go back to the mosque someday, simply spill it … do not engage in deception as that would be a sure foundation for marriage failure.
• Some singles men go to worship houses and feign adherence to faith so as to win the heart of a lady. Such an act constitutes dangerous deception.
• Let your partner know if you have ever practiced occultism, necromancy or if  you have been in a cult

Such sharing of information lays a foundation for a solid, naked, open marriage wherein faithfulness, mutual appreciation and sincere love dwell.

I state all these against the background of lies and deception that Africans have been known for. Sometimes if the African invented lies and the white man invented the lie detector. It amazes me the level to which a lot of persons in these parts will descend to execute marital fraud.

Recently I was told of a young man who followed a lady to church, got married to the lady and few weeks after insisted the lady should convert to Islam asserting that he was from a Muslim family. Of course the marriage did not last three months.

Many married persons are hiding secret children from previous relationships. Many hide their HIV statuses. We need to note that there is nothing hidden that will not be revealed.

Marriages have been broken on discoveries of inexactitudes and hidden information in the life of a spouse. The act of hiding an important truth from your spouse amounts to a betrayal and fraud.

Spouses should discuss and share experiences with candour.

In addition, spouses should be truthful and open about their feelings and relationships.

"A home should not encourage evil,
yet a home should succour
the fallen and wounded"

The man should be open about the women he works with before any unhealthy feeling begins to build. And as soon as he notices the tiniest temptation or feeling toward the other woman, he should alert his wife. Same goes for the woman.
Let your spouse be the first to hear that you went on a field trip with your opposite sex colleague or boss. That way) you have already killed whatever gossip might reach the ears of your spouse.

Be open about your financial dealings. Be open about your faults, failings and weaknesses. Your spouse already knows you are not Superwoman or Spiderman, so why pretend to be one.

Candour in marriage is helped when the atmosphere permits the telling of truth. A home should not encourage evil, yet a home should give succour the fallen and healing to the wounded members.

If my wife has made a mistake, I may rebuke her, correct her, but thereafter also encourage her to pick herself backup?

While we may not excuse wrong doings, let us also create an atmosphere that would make it easy for members of the family to confess to us when they have sinned.

It is better for a child that has gotten pregnant to return home to tell the parents, than for her to stay out to abort and possibly lose her life on the surgical table.

Couples should encourage and accept honest criticisms from each other. Parents should also endeavour to take serious the opinion of their parents.

The man that is always angry when his wife tells him the home truth may not go far.

Make it easy for your spouse to tell you the truth. When the truth is spoken, accept it and move on to the next level. Tell nothing but the truth and hide nothing from your spouse.














CHAPTER I


INTEGRITY

The next step after telling the truth is doing the truth. Integrity has to do with being who you say you are and being true to your profession (who you profess to be). Say the truth and do the truth. Stay true to your wife, and let your wife be able to trust you and vouch for you. Nothing destroys the peace and health of a home faster than infidelity or sexual unfaithfulness.

Infidelity  may go unnoticed by your spouse for a while, but not forever. You cannot fool him or her forever and when he or she discovers, things may never be the same. If one woman would not satisfy a man, two certainly would not, and the search for sexual satisfaction becomes an endless pursuit.

Stay with one woman therefore. Be who you say you are to your husband or wife. You lose your integrity the day he or she catches you pants down. He or she would find it extremely difficult to trust you even in other matters.


"The next step after telling the truth is doing the truth"

For Singles
Courting couples should endeavour to keep away from pre-marital sex. The way lover boy could not keep his hands off you while engaged to you gives a picture of how he would handle other women when he is married to you . But if a man is able to maintain sexual abstinence as a bachelor, it becomes easier for his wife to trust him in marriage.

The discipline I developed as a bachelor has helped me in marriage to even be more self-controlled in my dealings with women. Considering that I was able to keep away from my fiancé sexually, today that we are married, she is comfortable in her trust. She finds it easier to believe that I have not been unfaithful to her than otherwise.

I suggest that engaged ladies should help their fiancés by saying "no!" to their sex advances. Considering that, the man.

Young men, hold your fire!

usually has a stronger sex push, the onus therefore rests on the lady to keep her pants on.
If the boy threatens that if you do not sleep with him he would call off the relationship, may be he is not worthy of you, Let him go.

An additional word for the single women.

The man who wants to marry you would make haste to wed you if there is something to look forward to and if there is a package to open. But if he has seen everything about you, free of charge, what motivation does he have to push himself and bend over backwards in these harsh economic times, to pay your price for marriage?

Young men, hold your fire!


CHAPTER    J

JEST

Marriage is not a boardroom and should not encourage boredom.

Some marriages are too straight and businesslike. All some couples talk together is money and all they do together is sex. No room for relaxation and recreation.

The marriage relationship would be more interesting if you both could explore newer areas of cooperation and partnership.

Recreate together. Learn to play indoor board games together, go jogging or gymming together, play tennis, swim or walk together.

I counsel wives to develop interest in the pastimes of their husbands - that way they could remain relevant to their husbands at all times.

Woman, find out what your man enjoys and share his interest.

Couples should take short trips and short honeymoons from time to time. Take a room for the night in a hotel or visit a resort.

Religious people particularly need to add some more variety to their lives. They could easily be caught up in a rut that leads from home to work, to church or mosque and back home.

Marriages come under stress when you keep doing the same old things the same old way in the same old place at the same old time.

Space out your children so your wife is not perpetually saddled with nursing babies and changing diapers. Give her a break and please, know when to stop having babies.

If you are very busy as a man, then take your wife along on some of your business trips. You only bear the cost of flight…you would not need to pay extra accommodation.















CHAPTER    K

KNOWLEDGE

Nobody enters the cockpit to take off on an aircraft without training.

Everybody who drives a car must have had some training on how to drive. But it baffles me why some folks would take-off  into marital space with no prior knowledge of what to expect and how to handle them. Marriage is more than love. Marriage is work, a challenge, an art and science.

Work because things do not just happen, you make them happen. The outcome of your marriage, the quantum of happiness you derive from you r relationship is  proportional  to your effort.

It is a challenge because things will happen that you never planned for and there will be goals to achieve.

It is an art because you would have to seek creative means, novel means and person-specific means to please your spouse and solve problem.

And marriage is a science because men and women are fundamentally the same biologically and emotionally, therefore would respond in similar ways to certain stimuli. You would need to know the basics about the opposite sex.

With All these in mind , you would need knowledge. With knowledge, you can steer a stormy relationship into calm waters. And by foolishness, you can crash the best-endowed relationship.

It is infinitely surprising to me how some married persons fall flat in the face of very minute challenges, simply because of lack of knowledge.

 Engaged Christians should not see the marriage counseling sessions of their church as a mere ritual. They should be involved and they should learn.

Before you marry, read as many books as possible on the subject of marriage.

Before you marry, learn about your own gender.

• Who are you? What is peculiar to your sex or gender?
• Learn about the opposite sex.
• Gain knowledge. Read about every aspect of love and marital relationships.
• Get to know how to satisfy your partner in marriage. There are good books on sex in the shops , written by good christian authors and medical people.
• Look for models of working marriages that may mentor you.
• Relate with an older couple. Relate with a man of God or woman of God who is married and has integrity, for periodic counseling.
• Attend marriage seminars before and during your marriage. Keep learning. Knowledge is a defence.


CHAPTER   L


LOVE AND LOVEMAKING

Let us start with love; we will get to love making later.

Many young people confuse the electro¬chemical feelings they have for someone as love. No, that is not love, that is a feeling borne out of emotional and physical attraction to a person. You want to have contact with that person always, you feel good when you are together and you miss him when he is not there. No... that is a self-centred phenomenon.

Love is object-centered. Love is that commitment to another person that makes you want to do him or her good all the time.

"Part of the journey of marriage is enjoyed while part is endured"

In marriage, feelings are important but feelings fade with time and circumstances. When the feelings are no more pronounced, what sustains a marriage is true love... that commitment that people have to their partners because of the vows they exchanged. True love creates a spiritual bond between couples and this is what you need for your marriage to endure.

True love keeps the marriage going when things begin to change. Like when age and child bearing begin to have an effect on the once cherubic sweet girl you married; or when sickness sets in and you have to help your spouse survive. Or when the money is gone and there are no more expensive vacations and ice cream, or when you discover that your partner is not the innocent angel you thought he/she was.

Part of the journey of marriage is enjoyed while part is endured. Get ready for both experiences. True love helps you survive the pains, the strains and the heartbreaks.

On the side of the road that you have to endure, there may be no good feelings; you may wonder what you ever saw in the guy or girl, while you also ask yourself whether it is the person you were in love with. At this point you would have to navigate around your relationship with your sense of

"Fear is eliminated, guilt is eliminated"

commitment and not feelings. Marriage is a marathon and not a sprint, it is a lifelong venture and not a short vacation. Marriages in the West fail ever so often because the couples in those climes have a fun mindset. They expect marriage to be fun all the way so when it stops being fun, they throw the wedding ring out of the window . There is no one who does not like fun and feelings of  love, besides, no one goes out to seek for challenges, one would have loved marriage to be only fun and “love”, but like any venture under the sun,  it possibly cannot be.


Love Making

One of the cardinal benefits of marriage is sex. In marriage, you have real safe sex. Condoms do not produce safe sex because
they neither provide emotional security, nor material  security (Condoms do not pick your bills )
But in marriage the woman knows she is not just being used, neither is she being abused.
The two parties also feel secure in the fact that they are not stealing the pleasure, that they are enjoying what is truly theirs to enjoy.   Fear is eliminated, guilt is eliminated.

Couples should maximize this gift according to their desire without inhibitions.

Only by mutual consent, should there be abstinence in marriage. A woman who starves her husband of sex is wicked and heartless. She is like a woman that starves her children of food, sending them to pick from the garbage dump.

Even quarrels should not be an excuse not to share in this gift of God, because sex in marriage could be a powerful tool for healing, bonding and peacemaking. No man in his right senses would batter the wife he just made love to.

Sex in marriage should not just be a physical act, it should also be a vehicle for the expression of love. Many women despise sex because their men do not take cognizance of the love  part of sex.

"Extra marital sex is poison. Those who indulge in it hate themselves"

 For the woman, sex begins from the mind and the emotions. When a woman perceives that she is loved , she responds better sexually and is more ready to co-operate.

If you think your wife does not like sex, try calling her from the office just to share endearments, bring home a surprise card or gift, and notice her new hairdo as soon as you come in then watch the difference in bed.

For many of us African men, that may sound very "academic" but the truth is that it is difficult for the woman you just cursed and called bad names to respond to you in bed.

And on their part, women should not expect their men to observe all protocols all the time. There are days she should be available without expecting much in return, but the man should not take this for granted, neither should he be selfish.

Women  should do their best to remain physically attractive in marriage. She should continue to dress well and look as good as she can. . . for her husband. Know what your husband likes in terms of appearance and give it to him.

Each party should do his/her best to ensure that sex stays within the marriage. Extra marital sex is poison. Those who indulge in it hate themselves.

If sex is becoming boring in your marriage then it is time to be creative. Change some things and add some things. You may take a short weekend holiday or simply remodel your bedroom. Just do whatever will create a perception freshness.

Generally, married people should not just aim at having sex. rather they should seek to express and build love through sex. Each partner should take cognizance of the needs and likes of the other partner, and they should deliberately create an ambience of intimacy around the home.

I believe this book has made a little contribution to your love life, however if you need further counseling, send me a mail to ikoabasi@gmail.com or WhatsApp 08117777756





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